Comedy,  Satire

The Art Of The Squeal

Trump Get Out of Jail

Hello My Fellow Deplorable, Its America’s Favorite Crazy Uncle Donnie Trump here to deliver the “Power Negotiators Tip of the Week”. This weeks topic can be filed under “Money and Romance”. These two go hand in hand. Believe it or not Trumpsters, with my Adonis good looks, quick wit and boyish charm, even Uncle Donnie has to pay to play. Most of my supporters know me from my tagline “you’re fired” but at 4am in Times Square in the 80’s, the ladies of the night knew me for quite the opposite tagline “get in car,you’re hired”! Sex is a dangerous dance if your not trying to break the bank. Trust me, I know! Not only have I been through multiple bankrupcies or as I call them, “mulligans”. I’ve also had women take half my empire twice and I’m still rich. I had to win the White House because when Melania packs her shit, its “no more Mara-Logo” if you know what I mean. Ive been bouncing “sex checks” for years and if you give me a few minutes of your time. You just might be able to hold a few zeros of your next NDA (nondisclosure agreement).

RULE #1

Always Check The Merchandise

Would you throw your money down on a horse if you didn’t know the odds or let your best fighter get in the ring if he didn’t know his opponent? Then why would you throw your cheese curl in the snack bowl if you didn’t know who’s birthday it was? Especially these days with everybody cutting their olympic torches off, you really have to make sure your getting what you paid for. In the good old days you just looked at their neck for an Adams Apple but now you have to send them for a back door physical and a full body scan at Mount Sinai. Ah the good ole days. ill tell ya! I know I’m not always politically correct but im not discriminating against anybody here. I care about the LGBT Bigly. More than anybody has ever. I don’t want them playing from the back nine or putting from the rough when all they really want to do is carry my clubs if you catch my drift. Just make sure you test drive that baby before buy the car, thats rule numero uno.

RULE #2

Lay Down The Ground Rules

So she checks out! You’ve decided that this is the ride for you. Whoa! Whoaa! Pump the brakes there grasshopper! Your not gonna pay MSRP and take it up the backside on a high interest loan because you found the ride of your life time. I don’t care that you haven’t been this excited since they cleared you on your taxes without turning in any receipts of your itemized deductions from your charitable donations. Play it cool. Keep your poker face and be prepared to walk away. If you make any mistakes at this point in the game you will be paying for it the rest of your life. You let her know that if she’s coming home with you its gonna be on your terms. No photos, no social media, no phone numbers and when you see me on the street you look right through me like we’re just passers by in a public restroom. Now don’t judge me by this whole Stormy Daniel’s bullcrap! Even I never thought I was gonna be president but I still did the right thing. Trust me, I protected my ass on that deal. O’Js Legal team couldn’t find a loophole in her NDA. I had every inch of that contract covered even more than I did her face when I was in the act of digging this mess for myself. She was like a beat up old Cadillac. She still runs good but she’s taking a beaten over the years. I over paid bigly. So just remember Trumpers and Trumpettes, you pay now or you will most certainly pay later. That mistake would be huuuge!

RULE #3

Never Ever Put It All On The Table

You think you got it all figured out. You aren’t worried about a thing because you got Pocket Aces and an Ace on the flop. I’ll tell you from experience kid, that River Card can kill you. Hit them hard and get them out of the game early. Let them know you mean business at the first volley for position they will, to quote a very intelligent man and close friend of mine, “Know their role and shut their hole”. You think Melania would be towing the line like she has if I let her stay in till they drew the river? Do you really think Ivana and Marla wouldn’t cash in this lottery ticket if I didn’t keep a few carrots in my pocket. You can’t draw your last card or you could end up almost becoming a First Lady like good ole baby kissing, cigar loving, and intern hugging Billy Clinton.So here it is in a nutshell Hombres. Check the merchandise, negotiate price, lay down the rules and never deploy all your resources. If you follow those guidelines it could save you some hush money down the line, however you really never know when someone gonna throw a Stormy Daniels Grenade in the bunker. In that case make sure you got the best damn legal team money can buy. That my fellow Trumpsters is the “Art Of The Squeel”

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