In this #metoo environment we currently hunt in today. dating has become a difficult dance. It’s like we used to Salsa and Merengue but now we have to Waltz. It is difficult enough to hurdle the obstacles of mating, battling only the barriers nature has presented. Trump Supporters have additional obstacles to overcome in our tense political environment. However, fear not fellow Trumpmaniacs. If you stick to The Donald Stuff’s tested and proven method, you will be cuddling up with your Bae, watching CNN and drinking Pumpkin Spice Lattes in no time at all!
Dress for Success!
Unfortunately fellas, you may have to put away that “Lock Her Up” T-Shirt we know you love so much. Don’t stress however, it isn’t gone forever. Just put it in the bottom drawer until you have your fish on the hook. I know you love your Walmart Points Rewards Card™ but you will have to try out H&M and Urban Outfitters for a while. Target is a fair replacement but you are trying to impress so It is probably best to set the bar high. Lets face it, your to busy trolling democrats on The Donald Stuff Facebook Page to go from Trump Rally Ready to Pussy Cat Hat Protest VIP. This being said there are a lot of subscription services that offer entire outfits delivered directly to your door.
So you have your first outfit from TrunkClub.com but your not ready for the hunt yet. Just like when your hunting that Twelve Point Buck, you are going to have to remove that I voted for Trump Stench that lingers around you. Liberal chicks can smell a Trumpster from 100 yards. So be sure to throw on some Cammo paint and get a good spray to hide your sent. By this i mean dust off those Doritos Crumbs, spray on a little cologne (not that Jovan Musk Grandma put in your stocking last Christmas) and trim those mutton chops. If you wanna go the extra mile then throw on some Art of Shaving Beard Cream and maybe curl your Tom Selleck Magnum P.I. into a Handlebar Mustache. Now they won’t see you coming.
Walk the Walk
So you look the part but don’t go crashing any I’m With Her Cocktail Parties just yet. You got all the gear but that doesn’t mean you have the what it takes to bag that Trophy Buck. Your gonna have to learn how to track’em, learn there behaviors, where they eat and what they like. Then and only then will you know how to pull the trigger.
Now we are ready to go behind enemy lines. If you reside in a major city, then i recommend you walk out your door and go two blocks. You can go left or right it doesn’t matter, you’ll be sure to find a Starbucks. Starbucks are like watering holes in the Sahara for Liberals, especially if it’s Pumpkin Season. If the Pumpkin don’t bring them in the free WiFi will. Go in and get in line. Ordering your Latte could make or break you here, so be prepared. These Barista Bitches are like bouncers at Studio 54 in the 80’s. They can make or break you. Do not panic. Here is an article that will teach you how to place your order like a pro. So your ready to order. It doesn’t really matter what you order because you probably will not like it anyway. I recommend anything Pumpkin. If fumble your order and the Barista murmurs something you don’t understand. Just say “yes”! If you get into a back and fourth at the counter, it will be the same as stepping on a branch ten yards out from a Buck. A simple “yes” will let her finish your order and provide you some smoke screen from the peering eyes of the Liberal Patrons. When your order is placed, the Barista will ask your name. Don’t get aggressive. They write this on the cup so that they can track the order and it also makes Liberals feel warm and fuzzy inside. This is not how the government tracks you and has nothing to do with the Illuminati. Just go with it.
Now you have whatever she gave you. You are not going to like it but you have to fake it. Take a seat even if you have to share a table. Here comes the most trying test you are going to endure. Try and wash out all of the Liberal Conversation that surely will be at thick smothering fog in the air. “Did you hear what Trump said?”, “Did you see what he tweeted”, “How can anyone support him?” and similar banter will float around that Starbucks like Wasp swarming around a Hive. Fight it! Fight the urge to engage or you will be unmasked like the Old Groundskeeper at the end of a Scooby-Doo Episode. Instead find a place where you can answer. You pretty much feel the same way until it comes to welfare and Hilary Clinton. So jump in when they talk about Women’s Rights or Racism. For example: If they say something like “what a racist Trump is and how can you treat women like that?”. Engage with a statement such as; “A man should never treat anyone badly just because of their race or sex’. If there is any Liberal Men at the table they will shiver with fear by the presence of another male figure. Usually after a second or so of awkwardness, a female will engage with a rhetorical response. If this is the case just repeat your initial statement with more confidence. Now your in and without any damage done to the Trumpmaniac deep within you.
Talk the Talk
You have to find a way to navigate through conversations like Tom Cruise did the Laser Alarms in Mission Impossible. “Trump this and Trump that” with a few racist here and #metoos’ there and it won’t stop. Your going to have to answer ever question like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar! Your main goal here is to Deflect and Direct. Deflect the questions off of yourself and direct the content towards a subject less aggressive. If a Liberal Says “Do you think Kavanaugh should be on the Supreme Court”? Then you respond “I don’t know how we allow a lot of things like how do they allow this Pumpkin Frappe Mocha Choka Latte to taste so damn good!”. The table will fill with Liberal Laughter and now your the “Bell of the Ball”. So now your found a place to hunker down and that Twelve Point Buck is in your sights leaning down and chewing on her Pumpkin Spice Latte. Your damn close but your this baby isn’t in the bag yet.
Breathe in and Take Your Shot
She giggled at your joke and she complimented your TrunkClub.com outfit and your Handle Bar Mustache. Your not out of the woods yet Billy Joe. Now things are going to heat up. She’s gonna want to go to round 2. In round 2 the stakes are higher and the conversation becomes more difficult. Her Metro-sexual Entourage also unifies together like a pack of hyenas. Knowing they are not as strong as the lion but wield abundance of power in numbers. Even when you get one over on her the pack will chime in with counter punches. This will sending a warning shot in the air that says “I’m not sold on your bullshit!”. You must separate the calf from the heard. It will be difficult to win over the Liberal Hyenas but you must find a way. They love free stuff. Mention a friend of yours who can get you VIP Tickets to the hit play Hamilton. Now they will be eating out of the palm of your hand like squirrels and that weird ( not homeless) guy in the park who knows the squirrels by name. Now your rounding way past second base and The Hyenas are like a Third Base Coach giving you the go ahead to round third. Soon the pack will have their fill and disperse. Seize the opportunity by offering a to walk her home. No matter how opposite the direction or out of the way it is, you just say “i’m going that way too”. Don’t worry you can always call an Uber when shes gone. As long as you don’t start talking like you the guy who proofreads Trump’s Tweets then you will be Mounting this Buck in your Trophy Room in no time.
You won’t have to dance this dance forever. Surely one day she will catch you watching FOX And Friends, drinking Dunkin’ Donuts Coffee in your Lock Her Up Shirt. By then it will be too late. Honestly though if your a true Trumpmaniac then you won’t make it past ordering from the Barista!
Good Luck my Fellow Trumpmaniacs!!!